Hatred

I hate her more than I've ever hated anyone, the thought crept into my mind. Although, it's not like I can remember truly hating anyone else.

Layers of disbelief rose to the surface. Why was I feeling this way? I didn't even feel anything close to this towards the unknown man who entered my house pointing a gun at me. So how had I arrived at a place where unresolved anger, frustration, and bitterness had led towards hatred with her?

Unfolding thoughts continued to flow. An awareness of the mounting tensions spanning across decades were evident, alongside the clear-cut call to love and my deep desire to grow in my capacity to love. Nonetheless, undeniably, there I was.

Part of me did not want to admit it.

Part of me was ashamed.

I knew something different was expected of me.

I sat in daily Mass, and my priest began to proclaim the Gospel, "Peter approached Jesus and asked him, 'Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.'" (Matthew 18:21-22).

I smiled. Yes, I know, God, but I don't know how. You're going to have to teach me.

I wasn't sure how it would all unfold. Yet, I could perceive that acknowledging how I was feeling and not being too critical of myself for feeling it was a necessary starting point.

Healing

I had recognized a couple of days prior that I was in need of healing. My agitation towards certain relational dynamics had been fueled once again. I realized that it felt like on-going cuts over time, rather than a single cut that I could care for and resolve.

Intentional efforts to forgive and move forward were never fully fruitful because there were on-going layers added over the span of time. Before fully healing from one aspect, the wounds were reopened through new scenarios - deepened with each disappointment and betrayal - whether towards me or someone else we loved.

Being honest with my feelings was an opportunity to recognize that it was an indication of the depths of healing I needed. I am not created for hatred; yet, there was a reason why I felt the way I did.

We are wounded in relationship, and we are healed in relationship, I remembered from my Catholic Psych Model of Applied Personalism (CPMAP) certification training experience.

Nonetheless, I didn't know how to get from here to there - from the growing sense of hatred towards love.

Deep, surgical work, I remembered my CPMAP mentor/supervisor saying about the process of accompaniment. It would be a process.

I did not have to know exactly how the healing would unfold. I knew there were no guarantees that I would not be disappointed again along the way (more than likely I would be disappointed again). Yet, I knew that I had the capacity to be healed and to grow in my capacity to navigate scenarios.

Hope

Recognizing that I did not have all the answers was a reminder that it does not all depend on me. It's about His capacity to heal, knowing that the Divine Physician works through many different avenues - both directly and through others that He places in my path. I did not have to know how, I just needed to trust that He would.

The God of Resurrection joy would show me the way. In His patience and gentleness, I can accept that I am where I am in my own development. The expectation and desire I have to consistently reflect His love in the world means I have placed unrealistic expectations on myself. I am still in progress.

My mentor had been walking with me towards better embracing my humanity - towards alleviating the pressure I have placed on myself and being better able to give and receive compassion related to imperfections.

We are all called to holiness. In those spaces of not yet, our need for Him is made manifest.

I want clear cut, black and white pathways. I want linear trajectories. I want step by step processes.

These days, He's teaching me that I am called to wander with support - that there is purpose to it all. Learning about boundaries can be a process. Navigating healing can be slow and messy. I am called to acknowledge when I am falling short and patiently seek growth. Through the journey I will become who I am created to be.

I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work in you will continue to complete it.

-Philippians 1:6